Holy Hell Harry's at Hogwarts (homo hotness alert!)
by vommentplz
Summary: A devastatingly powerful account of a forbidden love. You would be a fool not to read….
1. Chapter 1

This is the product of 3 special minds.

We own nothing

"Wake UP, Potter!"

I jolted upright. I hadn't even realised when I drifted off on my desk to the gorgeous buttery drawl of Snape's voice, explaining the composition of some boring potion to the class. I had been having a very nice dream….. but anyways

"Just because you are a first year," Snape snarled, "AND a celebrity… does not mean that I will be so lenient as to let you lounge around upon your textbook as you please!"

"S-sorry sir," I mumbled, not daring to meet the gaze of the professor who stood before my desk. However, when Snape did not move away for several seconds, I glanced up, and was suddenly locked in intense eye contact with that pair of sexy dark orbs. Snape's expression was unreadable. The silence drew every head in the class as we stared at each other for ages. Suddenly he tore away from me, briskly billowing back to the front of the class.

"See me after class."

I spent the remainder of the class sitting there in dread, imagining the tortuous punishments Snape would inflict on me. Yet, the more i thought of seeing him alone, the less daunting it seemed…It was almost as if — no,  
I stopped myself thinking right there; as old Dudley used to say, some thoughts are best left unthought. I waited until the last of my classmates had filed out before letting my eyes wander over to the professor, who returned my gaze. I stared into the obsidian pools of his eyes for a while, although I cant say how long: perhaps it had been a few seconds, perhaps a few minutes, even hours…although I later concluded that it had been around fifteen seconds of staring. Anyways, back to the story. Eventually it was I who broke the silence, for Snape's look was now as glazed as a krispy kreme donut.  
"er…professor, you wanted to see me?" I enquired nervously. The sound of my voice seemed to snap Snape out of his donut stupor, and he started: "oh, er — yes, Potter. You have behaved very insolently. You will report to me in the dungeons for detention. 8 o'clock. Don't be late."  
Faster than a professional cream whipper, he whisked out of the room, his cloak billowing behind him.

I was left, standing alone, in the dark, drab dungeon. All of a sudden I noticed that my pen had fallen on the floor. Whilst I picked up my pen, I pondered on many things. A great many things.

As I dreamily danced down the corridor i was in such a delightful daze i failed to notice the stalking figure stalking like a stalker towards me. Like a slow motion replay of the fat man being shot with an air pistol (what must be my most favourite YouTube video) we collided like two stags in the heat of battle. I paused for a moment to reflect upon the deeply symbolic words I have scribed. And FYI symbolism is very macho. After this short thought trip I look up into the lagoon like omnipotent orbs gazing like a gazelle down at me. It was malfoy. Mmmmm

I was lost once more in a pair of glittering manly spheres. Not dark and hard like Snape's, but bright sea-coloured blue, and also tortured and depressed, and sexy and lustful, not to mention gorgeous. Approximately fifteen seconds passed. Then he said in a voice like masculine silk, "What did Snape want?" He sounded concerned, and he probably noticed, because he quickly added in a much meaner voice (which turned me on) "I mean why would he want to hang with a little twerp like you, Poop-ter. Also watch where you're going, I nearly died, jeeez."

"He was telling me off," I said nervously.

"Omg you are in sooo much trouble," said Malfoy.

"Yeah, I have to go see him tonight in the dungeons," I blurted out. I was immediately horrified – no one could know about me and Snape going to share each other's man milk tonight! But then again, I thought, I could just be fantasising – for all I knew, that billowing babe could genuinely just want to punish me. Properly. In the bum… oh no! I suddenly had a raging hard-on!

Luckily Malfoy hadn't noticed. But he did look horrified at what I had just said.

"WHAT! YOU'RE SEEING SNAPE IN THE DUNGEONS? I thought I was his favourite!" he roared, stepping close to me so we were nose to nose. My boy-rod was straining dangerously close to his person. I took a step back.

And then the worst thing possible happened. Malfoy looked down. His faced turned a hubba bubba strawberry chewing gum red and his ears a tomato juice scarlet.  
"P-Potter" Malfoy stuttered "I never knew! I -"  
Then, like a rabbit that had just seen an angry farmer, he turned and scarpered.

I was left standing alone in the corridor, trying to conjure up images of dying puppies in order to calm down little Harry junior.

Suddenly, a wild Neville appeared.  
I was thankful that I had finally put Harry junior to bed, for If Neville had seen me with my swizzle stick brandished I don't think i could ever have contained my embarassment. After all, Neville was the koolest kid in skool. He looked particularly casual today, in Jack Wills sweat pants and an A&F tee. His hair was jelled up into a quif that gave him a spontaneously windswept look, and his adidas trainers had these cool little neon bits at the side. Harry Jr stirred in his sleep.

I knew I should stop staring at Neville, he was a Slytherin and as my old pal Dudley used to say "them slithrins be mightily dangerous"  
However, i just couldn't help myself…why couldn't i be like Neville?!

"What are you looking at, Potter?!" Neville growled sharply.  
Damn, he had noticed. Time to use my defense curl. "Oh, er…..nothing Neville. I'm sorry Neville.  
Yet although my defense rose slightly, It wasn't very effective. Neville persisted, leering at me.  
"I don't like you Potter, I don't like you at all. You've got a nasty smell about you" Then, with a smirk, he pulled out his rememberall.  
I stared at it longingly, If only I was kool enough to own a rememberall. The rememberall's surface turned red and cloudy.  
"Oh, it appears I've forgotten something" Smirked Neville. "Ah yes, I remember". Then he pulled out a bottle of Fierce — the A&F perfume that everyone wanted to own — and sprayed it in my face. I doubled over like a piece of paper getting folded for some type of complex origami. "Owwwwwwww!" I cried.  
Yet this did not stop Neville's onslaught, as he tackled me to the ground with his muscular arms. It was super effective.

As I lay there on the ground, I looked up and saw Neville looking into the surface of his rememberall, which was now as clear as Snape's radiant complexion. Neville looked satisfied, smirking and saying "that's what I had forgotten, to get rid of any bad smells lurking around."  
With one final smirk (lol jk) Neville turned and left as I lay on the ground whimpering.

My life was over. I was dejected, humiliated…things could not get any worse. I lay there for many minutes before I finally got up; my eyes were sore and red, my hands trembled, and Harry junior was having some kind of tantrum down below. Eventually, like a sad old slinky, I slunk off towards the hospital wing.


	2. Chapter 2

Like a well oiled slinky I slunk back from the hospital wing after a jolly good seeing to by the rambunctious Madame pomfrey. Ooh that woman really did tickle my Bertie bott's every flavour beans.

By the time I had got out it was nearly dinner time. I went to the great hall and sat down with my fellow Gryffindorites and stared solemnly into my cup. I was so depressed I just wanted to be left alone. I sighed loudly and everyone turned to look at me.

"Hey Harry are you ok?" said Hermeon worriedly, touching a bruise on my face I had gotten from when the vicious Neville tackled me brutally and horribly.

"Yeah I'm fine I just don't want to talk about it okay!" I shouted. I smacked her hand away from my face. She definitely fancies me, I thought.

"Well alright, I'll give you some space but I'm here if you need me ok Harry," she replied. What a bitch, I thought. I kept looking into my cup and making depressed noises waiting for more annoying people to ask me how I was.

"Wow Harry you look awful, what's up?" asked Ron (who had just sat down) in a concerned manner.

"You wouldn't understand," I said resignedly and didn't look at him. The food suddenly appeared on the table magically. I only ate one chicken wing and a bit of mash and some gravy. I could barely even touch my treacle tart. People tried to strike up conversations with me but I didn't reply, I just glared at them with my unfeeling eyes. Bunch of arseholes really, they would never know my pain. All I could think about was the embarrassment with Malfoy and the humiliating beating Neville had given me.

Whilst everyone ate dessert I coughed loudly and then got up and left, staring sadly at the ground as I walked away from their cheery meal. I went slowly so I could make sure they were talking about me before I got to the corridor.

Suddenly I looked at my watch. Omg! I thought. For it was nearly 8 o'clock already. Snape would be waiting!…

I ran to the dungeon as fast as my knobbly kneed legs could carry me. Upon thinking this I became a little sad, I had never liked my knees….I bet snape had perfect, peachy knees. Oh crap, Harry Junior was stirring and I had barely reached the dungeon door! I calmed him down with dark thoughts of Dumbledore's overgrown toenails, even though in my heart I knew that was a lie – I bet Dumbledore had fantastic toenails.

Anyways, after I had finally composed myself I knocked on the door of the dungeon. "Enteeeeeeer" I heard Snape's cold, sexy drawl; it washed over my ears like toasty warm butterbeer. I pushed open the door with a trembling hand.

"Professor Snape, I'm here for my–" I breathed in sharply, relishing the word I was about to say "detention". Snape gave an ambiguous little tremble. Ooh lah lah….. Yet he avoided my eye contact. Galloping Buckbeaks! I felt like he was toying with me! "Potter" Said Snape. "for your insolence you must clean out my cauldron." He gestured to a dark, glistening cauldron that stood on the table. Was that all he had to say? Snape was rejecting me, I couldn't believe it. I felt proper angsty.

Things had not turned out in the way I had hoped. I eyed a jar in the corner of the room that might have been Snape's man milk. What if he had brought it especially for me? Ah if only, as I then spotted a label on the jar that read "Flobberworm milk". Gutted.

I had to clean the cauldron nonetheless, so I begun, trying to hide my emotions while I scrubbed. About two minutes in the cauldron was covered in thick black foam and the cleaning was becoming pretty tough. I let out a small grunt from the strain, at which point Snape looked up for the first time. "Your technique is lacking Potter" he said coldly. Omg jeez, I thought… what was he like? I adjusted my technique slightly, scrubbing with two hands instead of one. "Yes, that's it Potter. Back and forth"

I could feel snapes laser-like gaze, gazing into the back of my head like lasers. I felt my skin prickle like the prickliest of cactus's heads as i continued rubbing furiously at the caldron infront of me.

Suddenly i imagined the cauldron infront of me to be something different. Something very different. Harry junior was humming down below. I continued to manhandle the object in my minds eye, taking care to rub over every inch of the soft yet hard clyindrical object. It felt like a snake, i thought to myself how very fitting. I allowed myself a small smile at my witty internal monologue. I could feel the blood pounding through it, similar to my own state. Harry junior appeared to be having a full out fiesta in my pants. Muy bien.

But wait! Oh my cheesy jezzus! I has been so wrapped up in imagining i has been rubbing the part of snape which appeared so frequently in my dreams it seemed i had infact moved over to where snape stood and begun rubbing the part of him which appeared so frequently in my dreams! Oh merlin's sagging ballsack! I stopped, my hands still wrapped around snape, and closed my eyes praying for a giant hole to swallow me up. On this train of thought i began imagining Snapes hole …. mmmm.. NO HARRY JUNIOR THIS IS NOT THE TIME!

The room was silent for what seemed like hours, however i later concluded it had actually been around 15 seconds. After the awkward turtles had done their celebratory lap of the dungeon and dissaparated to the great awkward turtle crib in the sky, i gathered enough gryffindor courage to look snape in the eye. Singular eye as i had not been able to gather that much gryffindor courage.

At this point snape addressed me, his voice flowing out of the mouth like milky honey. mmmm milk. mmmmm honey. mmmmmm snape's mouth. "Potter, please take your hands off of my neck." Merlin's man tits! Not only had a embarassed myslef infront of Snape, possibly the sexiest man on the planet! But i had let slip my greatest secret of all. Yes I, Harry James Potter, the boy who lived, has a kinky and unyielding fetish for necks. Oh the shame! Snape's milky man voice broke through my thoughts,

"As i said potter, please take your hands off my neck." I hurridly obliged, "And put them on my man rod, if you would be so kind." My head snapped up and this time, with the gryffindor lion roaring in my chest, i looked into both his eyes.


End file.
